Just to give fair warning, this post is long. I have written before about my journey as a parent to find a way to establish boundaries and discipline in a way that feels right, shows my children respect, and leaves them with their dignity. I think I post about this so that when my children reach the age where they need therapy, they can go with their printed blog books in hand and it can assist said therapist in identifying where it all went awry!
About six weeks ago we were in various stages of wellness at our house and I had the realization that my three year old had a negative attitude toward most things and was having highly emotional tantrums all too frequently. Easter Sunday was probably the worst since I felt I had done so much to make it a fun morning and a smooth transition to church and suddenly there was a huge meltdown over getting dressed for church and I fell apart. I yelled loudly and I failed to put my own frustration aside and be the parent that she needed. Thank goodness for two parents because Aaron kept his cool and gave me a chance to step aside. As we rode to church with her taking deep sobbing breaths and me doing my best to repair my puffy, teary eyes, I knew that we needed some new ideas.
I looked in some of the books that I had read a year or two before about
loving kids unconditionally and parenting them with respect, but I felt like I needed more how to advice on handling these tantrums. Comments from family were starting to bubble up suggesting that we use time out, a reward chart, or a good pop on the leg. We had rejected hitting her from the start because it just felt illogical that she should use gentle touches with everyone yet, we, her parents, the people who love her most in this world, hit her when she doesn’t handle herself the way we would like. Rewards and time outs are a little grayer, but basically psychological research has proven these methods to be ineffective for teaching children to handle their big emotions. Time out (originally known as time out from positive reinforcement) was actually introduced for lab rats that wouldn’t perform and was then picked up as a way to discipline children. So we were left with empathy and it didn’t feel like enough for these emotions of hers.
Through long conversations with mom, I had the idea that maybe we could find a coach who could help me build a toolbox to better handle these situations. After all, this parenting gig is as much about training me as it is about her. I reached out to a couple of people, but no one had anyone they could recommend. However, Pam, who introduced us to some of these parenting ideas, took time to really listen and that helped a lot. Especially, having her offer a few suggestions on how to rephrase things and some other ideas around food and its effects on mood and behavior.
Her comments about food resonated with something that I had noticed in the days just prior to that; Sarah Graves’ was much more prone to tantrums before meal times or at times when I knew she hadn’t had much to eat. This isn’t exactly what Pam was thinking of, but it did get me thinking of how I could get her to eat more and more frequently. That was the first thing I started and I noticed a change just with offering more substantial snacks and encouraging her to eat more often. I started packing several snacks when we were going out. Rather than focusing her on waiting until dinner to eat, I encouraged her to eat more often. I noticed some change just with that.
In my reading, I was reminded of how important it is for parents and children to maintain a physical connection. With this in mind, I started making an effort to wake her up with a little time to hold her and speak gently to her before I expected her to get out of bed and start getting dressed. This also seemed to make a big difference. My reading also reminded me that you have to look for the underlying cause of the upset or what your child is feeling that they aren't articulating. I started trying to do that more often and although it makes me feel like my job is to be a mind reader, I have been able at times to identify the real cause of her upset rather than feeling like I don’t understand what she is so worked up about. There have been times when a phone call interrupted my interaction with her and she started whining and complaining about the littlest things until I acknowledged to her that the phone call interrupted our fun and she was disappointed. She was able to see that I understood and we seem to be able to move on from that more quickly.
As always, mom is a great help in looking for solutions. She came across an organization called
Hand in Hand Parenting. I started reading their blog and knew that they were of the same attitude toward how to treat children that I am after. I have liked them on facebook and enjoy the daily doses of stories detailing how parents used these gentle techniques to set boundaries with their children and see them through the upsets that sometimes follow. I also really appreciate their thinking that parenting is hard work and sometimes all parents could use a rescue squad to come in and give you that break that you need so that you don’t get to the point of losing it with your kids. They offer several options for classes and hope to be able to sign up for some soon and really enhance my understanding of their techniques and possibly even find a community of like-minded parents who can serve as some support.
Their description of a technique called stay listening has proven useful, too. I am no expert in this, but stay listening seems to be when you stay with your child while they are experiencing big emotions, offer your empathy and understanding for the situation, and offer physical connection. I have used this a few times now and although she still has the emotional upset; it seems to resolve itself a little quicker. I think my staying calm and feeling like I am doing something and not just sitting there helpless as I watch this spin out of control really helps. I am able to continue empathizing with her, offering her hugs, and in general, showing her that I am there for her always. There have definitely been times when she gets upset and I still feel myself getting frustrated or if we are around other people, feeling embarrassed that I don’t have something more magical to take the upset away.
I will say though that in general, I have noticed we have fewer big tantrums and she is more cooperative with me. She and I came up with the idea that we are a team (we call ourselves the pirates) and we have to work together sometimes to get things done like when it’s time to get ready in the mornings. It doesn’t work perfectly, but it does enforce the idea that we are connected and working together.
Everyone says it, but parenting really is the hardest job I will ever have.
