A Better Momma - Staylistening
I have been taking a wonderful class through Hand in Hand Parenting, Building Emotional Understanding. The class is done over the phone once a week and the materials are provided online as video segments and reading materials. It is a great way to do a class for a busy momma! There are five of us from all over in the class. We have Singapore, Australia, Boston, L.A., Wyoming, and me in Atlanta.
I have been gathering some wonderful insights that help me to recognize some things about Sarah Graves' behavior and a bit about Charlie, too. The class is focused on teaching three tools, Staylistening, Limits, and Playlistening. At the core of it all is maintaining connection with your child. I like that their tools pair nicely with the things I have read and liked from people like Alfie Kohn and Hiam Guinott.
One thing that I have been able to recognize is that Sarah Graves has been the most challenging during times when she likely felt very disconnected. Times when I went away for business, was really sick, or cut off from her a lot for other activities are rare, but likely created disconnect and a lot of big feelings. Once I recognized this pattern, I started to see the value of my connection to her.
I have written before about how the staylistening technique of remaining close, giving her room to express her big emotions, and remaining calm myself really helped me to reframe the crying that she does. She was already expressing her feelings, but now I am better able to be with her and remain patient while she does it. It is amazing to see the shift in her once she has gotten her big feelings out and suddenly seems to come out of it a new kid, bright and happy, ready to engage with the world around her.
One afternoon she woke up early from her nap just screaming in her bed. I went to her to comfort her thinking she had a bad dream. She didn't want me to touch her so I sat in a chair in her room and occasionally said gentle things about what a difficult time she was having, but basically let her scream and writhe around. After about 20 minutes of this she sat up, looked at me, and said, "I peed and my bed is wet." Her pull-up had leaked and she was upset about a wet bed and likely had some other frustrations along with it. I got her into dry clothes and tucked her into my bed where she happily rested for another hour and a half before she emerged bright and ready to go do some shopping. She never spoke of it again and seemed quite at peace.
I have noticed that when she has a chance to get the big feelings out fully, we don't seem to go through the crying jags as often. I, like most parents, had been doing my best to stop the crying by pacifying her, thinking I was doing the right thing. She would begin to cry that I gave her water, so I would quickly get milk to make her happy. Many times it would make her happy for the moment and something else would be wrong. She was never getting the big feelings out, so the pressure was always there and just continued to build over time until she couldn't hold it back and exploded in a meltdown of epic proportions.
Staylistening has been somewhat helpful for Charlie. He is prone to a lot of heavy crying at bedtime, even when we are with him. His head gets all sweaty, he closes his eyes tight, and just howls like he is wounded. My solution had been to quickly nurse him or give him the pacifier. When these didn't work, I was scared and felt panicked. Now, I am able to see that he has frustrations and upsets that build up and he needs to get them out. When given the chance to have a good cry, he releases some stress and is able to really relax and nurse before going to sleep. I wouldn't say it is perfect by any means, but I now feel like I can understand the crying and be there for him.
I view staylistening as my defensive maneuver. When my offense is good, I don't have to play defense as often and life is easier.
I have been gathering some wonderful insights that help me to recognize some things about Sarah Graves' behavior and a bit about Charlie, too. The class is focused on teaching three tools, Staylistening, Limits, and Playlistening. At the core of it all is maintaining connection with your child. I like that their tools pair nicely with the things I have read and liked from people like Alfie Kohn and Hiam Guinott.
One thing that I have been able to recognize is that Sarah Graves has been the most challenging during times when she likely felt very disconnected. Times when I went away for business, was really sick, or cut off from her a lot for other activities are rare, but likely created disconnect and a lot of big feelings. Once I recognized this pattern, I started to see the value of my connection to her.
I have written before about how the staylistening technique of remaining close, giving her room to express her big emotions, and remaining calm myself really helped me to reframe the crying that she does. She was already expressing her feelings, but now I am better able to be with her and remain patient while she does it. It is amazing to see the shift in her once she has gotten her big feelings out and suddenly seems to come out of it a new kid, bright and happy, ready to engage with the world around her.
One afternoon she woke up early from her nap just screaming in her bed. I went to her to comfort her thinking she had a bad dream. She didn't want me to touch her so I sat in a chair in her room and occasionally said gentle things about what a difficult time she was having, but basically let her scream and writhe around. After about 20 minutes of this she sat up, looked at me, and said, "I peed and my bed is wet." Her pull-up had leaked and she was upset about a wet bed and likely had some other frustrations along with it. I got her into dry clothes and tucked her into my bed where she happily rested for another hour and a half before she emerged bright and ready to go do some shopping. She never spoke of it again and seemed quite at peace.
I have noticed that when she has a chance to get the big feelings out fully, we don't seem to go through the crying jags as often. I, like most parents, had been doing my best to stop the crying by pacifying her, thinking I was doing the right thing. She would begin to cry that I gave her water, so I would quickly get milk to make her happy. Many times it would make her happy for the moment and something else would be wrong. She was never getting the big feelings out, so the pressure was always there and just continued to build over time until she couldn't hold it back and exploded in a meltdown of epic proportions.
Staylistening has been somewhat helpful for Charlie. He is prone to a lot of heavy crying at bedtime, even when we are with him. His head gets all sweaty, he closes his eyes tight, and just howls like he is wounded. My solution had been to quickly nurse him or give him the pacifier. When these didn't work, I was scared and felt panicked. Now, I am able to see that he has frustrations and upsets that build up and he needs to get them out. When given the chance to have a good cry, he releases some stress and is able to really relax and nurse before going to sleep. I wouldn't say it is perfect by any means, but I now feel like I can understand the crying and be there for him.
I view staylistening as my defensive maneuver. When my offense is good, I don't have to play defense as often and life is easier.
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